I'm only human...

I can take so much, before I've had enough…

but I'm only human

and I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human...

and I crash and I break down

It didn't work. 

We knew it was a long shot. But we had hoped that after all that it's taken for us to get to this moment, maybe this once the odds would land on our side. 

They didn't.

I started testing last week, and I knew. So many people try and say that they implant later with FET's…or you have to wait till your beta. Some people even said don't analyze the symptoms, but I never had any to analyze. I know that it's because everyone wants this for us, so they hang on to every little shred of hope. I'd by lying if I didn't wake up every morning these past few days, hoping they were right. 

They weren't.

Words keep going through my head that I can't seem to shake. It's words that have haunted me for years. Words that for some reason, I've always feared.

I cannot have children. 

I can't make a baby. I don't have enough eggs. I can't carry a baby. I have a broken womb. 

I cannot have children. 

Here I am, one month shy of my 37th birthday. The year that our "fertility takes a nose dive"…but my fertility left me a long time ago. Now it's time to face that, and what it means.

I won't lie and say that I'm okay. I'm really not. I've cried in the middle of a parking lot at a mall. I cried driving down the road. I've cried on my couch and while curled up in bed. I've cried on my husband's shoulder. Right now, my heart is broken because what I want most in this world is to complete my family with T…and no doctor, no specialist, no matter where we go or who we see, is going to fix me. 

CCRM has worked miracles for many couples with some of the toughest cases…but I'm not going to be one of them.

I cannot have children.

Yesterday I went to see "The Fault In Our Stars". I read the book, so I realized what I was doing when I decided to go see this movie (by myself). And yes…I pretty much cried for the entire two hour film. Some because of the movie, and some for me…

There is a quote in the movie that hit me: 

"Apparently the world is not a wish making factory"

No, Augustus Waters, it is not.

My infertility journey is coming to an end. There is nothing more that can be done for me. Or that I will allow. I cannot risk wasting another embryo on my body. We have to move on. There are only five left.

So this week we'll begin to look for our gestational carrier. Whoever she is, hopefully she makes all our dreams come true. I can only imagine what a special person she will be.

I'll be thinking about how my child will not have my eyes, or my mother's smile. How I'll never be the one to bring him or her into this world. 

We'll be grieving for the embryo that we lost. Our best. And he or she is gone because I couldn't provide a healthy place for it. 

On Thursday, we will celebrate our wedding anniversary. 3 years. I wish I could say it's been nothing but bliss. Infertility has kept a dark cloud hovering over our entire marriage. What it has been filled with is love. And support. Holding each other up, when we needed it most. Making each other laugh, even when we'd rather cry. 

He's my everything. Can you tell? 

We'll get through this.

I can do it

I can do it

I'll get through it

But I'm only human