Well, at least give a solid honest effort.
We arrived bright and early for Mr. T's contribution, iPad in hand, just in case they had wireless and he needed any "extra motivation"...which of course, they didn't and he didn't since I timed him and he was in and out in 8 minutes. High five.
We had an hour to kill while they washed his sample, luckily there was a Paradise Cafe very close by, so we went there for a quick breakfast. We even tried to gaze lovely into each other's eyes because we figured we should if we were going to try and make a baby this morning.
At 9:30 we headed back to the lab, were given the paperwork and the little vial of goods and headed to the doctor's office. They really should seal the results. Our ride was full of anxiety, since neither of us knew how to read the results and thought that his total count was 19M and the count after the wash was 6M. Well, no, we're just idiots. His total count was 65M and the count after the wash that are headed after those 4 eggs of mine was 42M. All other variables were "text book" as she called them. Another high five and a lolly pop for Mr. T. Job well done, sir.
We were in and out of the doctor's office in about a half hour to forty five minutes. The procedure was fairly quick. Took about 7-8 minutes and wasn't painful. I think my expectations of cramps was worse than any thing I actually felt. They had me lie there afterwards for 15 minutes while she answered lots of questions for me. I start progesterone supplements on Tuesday, twice a day, and this time I'll be inserting them vaginally rather than orally. On Thursday, I'll head in for a progesterone blood draw. Funny enough, I was told that baby dancing around 3-5 days after the IUI has shown to help with implantation. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. We'll that's at least an easy little home remedy I'm willing to try.
I was told to take an HPT or come in for a blood draw on cycle day 30. That's October 16th. There is no way in hell I'll be able to wait that long to test, my guess is I'll test around October 10th and probably even test before that to see the trigger leave my system. If it's negative on cd 30, I'll discontinue the progesterone and AF should arrive shortly after.
So, the longest 2ww of this journey starts now. I responded well to the meds and T did his part perfectly. We did what we could and now we just sit back and hope. If this isn't our month, then we'll try again in November. This afternoon we made homemade spicy pineapple ice cream (hey, another thing great for implantation!). We've got all the windows and doors open and have just been enjoying spending the day together watching movies and planning what we're going to make for dinner tonight. We live on a 26 mile bike trail, so we're thinking of taking a little stroll a bit later to get a piece of this awesome weather and check out the changing of the leaves.
Seems like a perfect conception day to me!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Holy moly it must be a litter!
My right ovary is throbbing! The left chimes in every now and then, but the right is pretty constant, It started up pretty good yesterday and is even worse today. Of course makes me wonder how many of those 4 follies is trying to release. My lower back has been hurting for a few days. I got a + (or really close to it) OPK last night just prior to my trigger shot. I took it at 10 pm on the dot! I started getting worried that my IUI on Saturday morning could be to late! Especially since they said Wednesday night was the last time we could baby dance prior to Saturday's procedure.
So of course after googling at 3 am this morning under the covers so T wouldn't catch me...I got even more concerned. So many stories about how they triggered right after a + OPK then did the IUI the following day. Well crap. First thing I did on my way in to work this morning was call my RE's office and the nurse told me it's all being timed perfectly, not to worry, we're still good for Saturday. I guess I feel better, but it seem so out of my control when it all depends on this one little IUI to get all the little guys up and where they need to be in a timely fashion! Add in the pain I'm having today, it's hard not to think that ovulation could happen today instead of tomorrow. I'm paying to trust the doctor, so I guess that's all I can do at this point.
Tomorrow is the first time in 4 years that I will not be walking in the Ovarian Cancer walk/run in my city. I've always done a big fund raising effort and had a group of my friends and my mother's friends walk together in her memory followed by brunch. These past few months have been so tough without her that, emotionally, I just wasn't able to pull it together. That said, I did think that T and I would go and walk together anyway, just the two of us. Well, that's of course changed now, since my IUI will be during this time. Here's hoping that it was a sign all along that this year I'd be doing something even more important. I know my Mom is cheering me on wherever tomorrow's "walk" may lead me!
Lastly, I've decided on homemade pineapple ice cream for my couch time tomorrow. Delish AND great for implantation. Bonus!
And no, I most definitely won't forget the hot fudge!!
As always, thanks gals, for your never-ending support!!
So of course after googling at 3 am this morning under the covers so T wouldn't catch me...I got even more concerned. So many stories about how they triggered right after a + OPK then did the IUI the following day. Well crap. First thing I did on my way in to work this morning was call my RE's office and the nurse told me it's all being timed perfectly, not to worry, we're still good for Saturday. I guess I feel better, but it seem so out of my control when it all depends on this one little IUI to get all the little guys up and where they need to be in a timely fashion! Add in the pain I'm having today, it's hard not to think that ovulation could happen today instead of tomorrow. I'm paying to trust the doctor, so I guess that's all I can do at this point.
Tomorrow is the first time in 4 years that I will not be walking in the Ovarian Cancer walk/run in my city. I've always done a big fund raising effort and had a group of my friends and my mother's friends walk together in her memory followed by brunch. These past few months have been so tough without her that, emotionally, I just wasn't able to pull it together. That said, I did think that T and I would go and walk together anyway, just the two of us. Well, that's of course changed now, since my IUI will be during this time. Here's hoping that it was a sign all along that this year I'd be doing something even more important. I know my Mom is cheering me on wherever tomorrow's "walk" may lead me!
Lastly, I've decided on homemade pineapple ice cream for my couch time tomorrow. Delish AND great for implantation. Bonus!
And no, I most definitely won't forget the hot fudge!!
As always, thanks gals, for your never-ending support!!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
First IUI is...
SCHEDULED!!!
My cycle day 10 ultrasound went great! I had 4 follicles in total. Two on each side. One large and one small on the right and one large and one small on the left. The dominant follicle on the right measured at 20mm and the dominant follicle on the left measured at 18mm. The smaller ones were less than 15mm so the doctor wasn't really concerned with those. My lining was 6.5mm and they want it at 8mm, but they said it will continue to thicken over the next few days.
So the plan is...
He would like the follicle on the left to get a tad bigger, so tonight I'll do my last shot of Gonal F. Tomorrow at 10 pm, I'll do the Ovidrel trigger shot. Saturday at 8:30 am, Mr. T will be making his "contribution" and at 10 am, we do the IUI. The only thing that could change the timing is if this morning's blood work shows I'm close to ovulating on my own, they'll move everything up a day. I've been taking OPK's and they have been as negative as negative can get, so I'm thinking the blood work will keep things on track for Saturday.
Everything seems to be going great so far, and I responded perfectly to the meds. Now, if I can only get my body to cooperate the rest of the way, maybe, just maybe we can make a baby this weekend. Here's freakin' hoping.
T is on abstinence lock down until Saturday. We BD'd yesterday morning and he had permission to "relieve" himself this morning after I left. That gives him 4 days to stew the perfect batch of swimmers!
So...Saturday afternoon, please expect to find me on my couch watching chick-flicks and eating ice cream and most likely updating my blog!!!
Fingers and toes are crossed!!
My cycle day 10 ultrasound went great! I had 4 follicles in total. Two on each side. One large and one small on the right and one large and one small on the left. The dominant follicle on the right measured at 20mm and the dominant follicle on the left measured at 18mm. The smaller ones were less than 15mm so the doctor wasn't really concerned with those. My lining was 6.5mm and they want it at 8mm, but they said it will continue to thicken over the next few days.
So the plan is...
He would like the follicle on the left to get a tad bigger, so tonight I'll do my last shot of Gonal F. Tomorrow at 10 pm, I'll do the Ovidrel trigger shot. Saturday at 8:30 am, Mr. T will be making his "contribution" and at 10 am, we do the IUI. The only thing that could change the timing is if this morning's blood work shows I'm close to ovulating on my own, they'll move everything up a day. I've been taking OPK's and they have been as negative as negative can get, so I'm thinking the blood work will keep things on track for Saturday.
Everything seems to be going great so far, and I responded perfectly to the meds. Now, if I can only get my body to cooperate the rest of the way, maybe, just maybe we can make a baby this weekend. Here's freakin' hoping.
T is on abstinence lock down until Saturday. We BD'd yesterday morning and he had permission to "relieve" himself this morning after I left. That gives him 4 days to stew the perfect batch of swimmers!
So...Saturday afternoon, please expect to find me on my couch watching chick-flicks and eating ice cream and most likely updating my blog!!!
Fingers and toes are crossed!!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Heart & Soul - All In
I can't find a lot of people where the injectibles and IUI works the very first time. Trust me, I'm looking relentlessly. There are some, for sure, but more folks that go on to have a second and third. Yet, I feel such an absolute need for this cycle. I can't keep hearing about siblings and siblings in-laws that are pregnant. That's right. My middle sister (step-sister actually) is pregnant with number 2. Her first was conceived via IVF. Which she didn't try all that long and she never shared the details of the how's and why's. However, she went into her first IVF without the slightest worry that it would "work". I have no idea how she conceived this child. That information wasn't shared with me. What I do know, is that she is well aware of my miscarriage and struggles, yet, I found out about her pregnancy in a most insensitive way. I'm so upset that this is a person I call my family, that I'll just end it here and move on.
I know without a doubt that if this cycle doesn't work, my heart will break. I feel completely invested. Heart. Soul. Bank account. I'm very close to when I conceived last year and never thought for a minute that a year later that I a) wouldn't be holding my baby right now or b) would still be trying to conceive. It's to the point of being maddening. I finally shared with my MIL the treatments we're going through. She understands my need for keeping this quiet, but at the same time, I don't have my mother to turn to and I've felt a little lost over that lately. If I can't have my mom, might as well have his.
In less than 16 hours, I'll have my cd 10 u/s to find out what's going on in there. I've had some lower back pain, a few cramps and A LOT of bloating, but other than that, no other side effects from the meds. They'll be doing blood work with the u/s as well, so I'm very anxious to find out what comes of all of this and how the cycle is progressing. I would assume after tomorrow we'll have a better idea of when I'll be triggering and scheduling the IUI. So far, OPK's are very faint, which is what I expect for cd 8 (I haven't taken one today yet).
I keep hoping for a miracle, but at the same time, this is me we're talking about, and things just don't always work out for me. T has better luck than me, so hopefully that prevails.
Will update tomorrow with the stats.
I know without a doubt that if this cycle doesn't work, my heart will break. I feel completely invested. Heart. Soul. Bank account. I'm very close to when I conceived last year and never thought for a minute that a year later that I a) wouldn't be holding my baby right now or b) would still be trying to conceive. It's to the point of being maddening. I finally shared with my MIL the treatments we're going through. She understands my need for keeping this quiet, but at the same time, I don't have my mother to turn to and I've felt a little lost over that lately. If I can't have my mom, might as well have his.
In less than 16 hours, I'll have my cd 10 u/s to find out what's going on in there. I've had some lower back pain, a few cramps and A LOT of bloating, but other than that, no other side effects from the meds. They'll be doing blood work with the u/s as well, so I'm very anxious to find out what comes of all of this and how the cycle is progressing. I would assume after tomorrow we'll have a better idea of when I'll be triggering and scheduling the IUI. So far, OPK's are very faint, which is what I expect for cd 8 (I haven't taken one today yet).
I keep hoping for a miracle, but at the same time, this is me we're talking about, and things just don't always work out for me. T has better luck than me, so hopefully that prevails.
Will update tomorrow with the stats.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Everything is a waiting game
Waiting for AF
Waiting for ovulation
Waiting for a BFP (yet always getting a BFN)
It's a never ending cycle of waiting, yet all I seem to be doing is wishing my life away. I'm on cd 5. Doesn't it seem like I should be mid-cycle by now? Maybe it's the 42 day cycle that's clouding my mind, but this seems to be dragging.
Better news, I did receive my injectibles to day. I'm already to get started tomorrow evening after my last dose of Femara. Not to nervous about the needles. I'm not squeamish, so I think I'll be fine. From my readings, it doesn't seem like they cause to many side effects. I certainly haven't felt any with the Femara. Compared to my raging bitch hormones that I had on Clomid, I'd say that's pretty good.
I went to acupuncture today. Completely relaxing. That's why I like it. He did want me to start taking these Chinese herbs today. I took them, but I don't think I'm going to take them. He said they wouldn't have any affect on my fertility meds, but I'm spending a lot of money on my RE, meds and IUI. I don't think I want to risk throwing in something that my RE didn't recommend. So, I'm going to hold on to them, and if my doctor condones them, then I'll consider it.
I'll try and post later this weekend how the injections are going. I'm being all tough now, but I'll probably be a big fat baby by the time I'm actually ready to do it.
Waiting for ovulation
Waiting for a BFP (yet always getting a BFN)
It's a never ending cycle of waiting, yet all I seem to be doing is wishing my life away. I'm on cd 5. Doesn't it seem like I should be mid-cycle by now? Maybe it's the 42 day cycle that's clouding my mind, but this seems to be dragging.
Better news, I did receive my injectibles to day. I'm already to get started tomorrow evening after my last dose of Femara. Not to nervous about the needles. I'm not squeamish, so I think I'll be fine. From my readings, it doesn't seem like they cause to many side effects. I certainly haven't felt any with the Femara. Compared to my raging bitch hormones that I had on Clomid, I'd say that's pretty good.
I went to acupuncture today. Completely relaxing. That's why I like it. He did want me to start taking these Chinese herbs today. I took them, but I don't think I'm going to take them. He said they wouldn't have any affect on my fertility meds, but I'm spending a lot of money on my RE, meds and IUI. I don't think I want to risk throwing in something that my RE didn't recommend. So, I'm going to hold on to them, and if my doctor condones them, then I'll consider it.
I'll try and post later this weekend how the injections are going. I'm being all tough now, but I'll probably be a big fat baby by the time I'm actually ready to do it.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
All systems go...so far.
I had my baseline ultrasound this morning to check for cysts, my lining and discuss the Gonal-f injections. Everything looked on track. No cysts, or at least anything that looked concerning whatsoever. My lining was 4mm, but I was told that's normal at CD 3.
I started taking the 5mg of Femara last night. The nurse is calling in my injections to be delivered on Friday. I'll start taking the Gonal-f Saturday - Tuesday. Next Wednesday morning I'll have a CD 10 u/s to check where things are and determined if I need to continue with the injections. She did say it will most likely be to early to trigger, but at least we'll have a better idea of the timing of when that will happen and if the IUI will happen based on how many follicles. 5 or more, and we cancel. (It's really hard to imagine 4, but we're trusting the doctor on this--I guess the more targets the better!) I am a little nervous about injections in my belly! I'm sure it will be no big deal and the thought is much worse that how it actually is. It just sounds like it's no fun!!
I already knew this, but it was confirmed that my insurance does not cover anything for fertility. Big bummer. So we're paying out of pocket from here on out. I just created a nice little spreadsheet to keep track. Not sure we'll want to look at the bottom number when this is all said and done, but if we get a baby, you won't hear a single complaint from me.
Acupuncture is scheduled for this Friday and again next Friday. Just hoping and crossing all fingers and toes that my body has a good response. Whether it works this first cycle or not, I just would like to know that things are progressing past the Clomid fiasco.
Can you tell I'm still a little scorned from that 4 month waste?!
Monday, September 17, 2012
About to break...
This cycle has been by far my worst. I'm to the point of either screaming or just breaking down in a puddle of tears.
I started Provera (10 days) last Thursday. Yesterday I had the faintest of faint spotting, but didn't think anything of it and took my 4th dose of the Provera. This morning I woke up to AF. So after 42 days, it's finally here, cd 1. Today started off with a sigh of relief that we're finally moving forward.
I called my RE's office at 8:45 am to let them know, find out if I should continue the Provera or stop and whether or not I go forward with the Femara tomorrow (cd 2). I also wanted to know if I need to plan for any cd 3 blood work and what the plan for the injectibles were. All and all, it seemed like fairly important questions that should be addressed quickly. Especially since there are meds involved.
Next I called and scheduled an acupuncture visit for Friday, cd 5, since cd 7 is on a Sunday. He said better to get in early, than late.
Since then...waiting. I've had my phone on me constantly. Walking to the bathroom, to the printer, to get a water bottle and even sitting on the table at lunch just in case.
STILL waiting.
At 3:50 I called again even though they specifically say on the voicemail that I should not leave duplicate messages. I knew they close at 4 pm and really need to know if I should take the dose of Provera tonight. The comments I got on BBC were mixed, so where I thought I would just stop, I don't know what my doctor would have me do.
I'm frustrated mostly because, while I know this is one of the best RE's in the city, I really started going to him so I wouldn't be waiting for days for a response or having these frustrations of not being able to get answers. Here I am, in the exact same position. I have no clue if they call patients after hours. I had been planning on writing a "yay, finally" post complete with the doctor's orders for this coming week and it's turned into yet another venting/frustration post.
Update--My vent worked
The doctor's office just called. Whew. I was about to go postal.
I'm stopping the Provera, this is officially cycle day 1! Time for my Yaaaaayyyyyy!! I start 5mg of Femara tomorrow and then I go in on Wednesday for a baseline ultrasound with the nurses and I'll also order and learn how to do the injections and will start those later this week.
The Black Eyed Peas song running through my head right now, as I do my best white girl bootie shake is...
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
I started Provera (10 days) last Thursday. Yesterday I had the faintest of faint spotting, but didn't think anything of it and took my 4th dose of the Provera. This morning I woke up to AF. So after 42 days, it's finally here, cd 1. Today started off with a sigh of relief that we're finally moving forward.
I called my RE's office at 8:45 am to let them know, find out if I should continue the Provera or stop and whether or not I go forward with the Femara tomorrow (cd 2). I also wanted to know if I need to plan for any cd 3 blood work and what the plan for the injectibles were. All and all, it seemed like fairly important questions that should be addressed quickly. Especially since there are meds involved.
Next I called and scheduled an acupuncture visit for Friday, cd 5, since cd 7 is on a Sunday. He said better to get in early, than late.
Since then...waiting. I've had my phone on me constantly. Walking to the bathroom, to the printer, to get a water bottle and even sitting on the table at lunch just in case.
STILL waiting.
At 3:50 I called again even though they specifically say on the voicemail that I should not leave duplicate messages. I knew they close at 4 pm and really need to know if I should take the dose of Provera tonight. The comments I got on BBC were mixed, so where I thought I would just stop, I don't know what my doctor would have me do.
I'm frustrated mostly because, while I know this is one of the best RE's in the city, I really started going to him so I wouldn't be waiting for days for a response or having these frustrations of not being able to get answers. Here I am, in the exact same position. I have no clue if they call patients after hours. I had been planning on writing a "yay, finally" post complete with the doctor's orders for this coming week and it's turned into yet another venting/frustration post.
Update--My vent worked
The doctor's office just called. Whew. I was about to go postal.
I'm stopping the Provera, this is officially cycle day 1! Time for my Yaaaaayyyyyy!! I start 5mg of Femara tomorrow and then I go in on Wednesday for a baseline ultrasound with the nurses and I'll also order and learn how to do the injections and will start those later this week.
The Black Eyed Peas song running through my head right now, as I do my best white girl bootie shake is...
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Never ending cycle. Day 39
Seriously?! I'm all ready to start this next journey with my new RE + meds + IUI and I can't seem to start another cycle! I'm so frustrated I could scream. I took 5 days of Provera last week and finished that on Saturday. Here I am, 5 days after that, and still nothing.
W.T.F.
Sorry, it's going to be one of those posts. I've even been temping, kinda on and off, this cycle. There was a definite shift at some point. Hard to say exactly which day that happened, but I went from consistent temps of 97.33 for the first 23 days, to the past week and a half or so of temps of over 98. So potentially I did ovulate? I would have thought my temps wouldn't have rose had I not. I'm not thinking BFP, because well, there was no baby dancing...we were traveling to different parts of the country the past 2 weeks. (and yes, I did test just to be sure)
Even if I did ovulate around CD 23-24 (which is 2 weeks later than I normally do) then I'd be around 16 dpo. So either way, I'm late.
Again...WTF.
Isn't it bad enough we've been wanting a BFP for 14 months now and the month after month of disappointment, that when I finally get to move forward it's like my body is saying, nah. Lets just not.
This is me mad and annoyed.
W.T.F.
Sorry, it's going to be one of those posts. I've even been temping, kinda on and off, this cycle. There was a definite shift at some point. Hard to say exactly which day that happened, but I went from consistent temps of 97.33 for the first 23 days, to the past week and a half or so of temps of over 98. So potentially I did ovulate? I would have thought my temps wouldn't have rose had I not. I'm not thinking BFP, because well, there was no baby dancing...we were traveling to different parts of the country the past 2 weeks. (and yes, I did test just to be sure)
Even if I did ovulate around CD 23-24 (which is 2 weeks later than I normally do) then I'd be around 16 dpo. So either way, I'm late.
Again...WTF.
Isn't it bad enough we've been wanting a BFP for 14 months now and the month after month of disappointment, that when I finally get to move forward it's like my body is saying, nah. Lets just not.
This is me mad and annoyed.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Dear Mom
Happy Birthday, Mom. I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since I last saw you, hugged you, talked to you. Trust me, that void is not lost on me. We used to talk daily. Every day on my way home from work, we'd spend a half hour chatting. My god I miss that. I think that's when it hits me most that you're gone, in the car. I've spent the last 2 days sobbing every time I drive to and from work or head out for lunch.
These past few years have flown by. That first year was the hardest. It was just so raw. I cried daily. I still think about you all the time, but I laugh and smile too. The tears aren't as frequent. At least until I get to days like this.
There's so much that I've wanted to tell you. The second year after I lost you Trevor finally proposed. You wanted that sooooo badly and I'm so glad that you loved him as much as I do. Know that he does take good care of me and I truly am a lucky girl to have him. He misses you too, ya know.
I was your only child. I know you always wanted more. Though now, I'm kinda glad I never had to share you. I got all of you. All your love, all the time. Did you know you had all of mine? It's a question I've asked myself often. You were so excited to one day become a grandmother. You were never a fan of kids. Not other peoples anyway, you liked me!! Thank goodness. And you had no doubt in your mind that you would love mine as well. You would have been your silly, crazy self and they would have loved you.
What I wish I could tell you know is the struggles that happened the third year after you left. The ectopic that came as such a surprise. It's what really made Trevor want to have children. He was so scared before I think, then it was a reality...and then it wasn't and he was game after that. The weeding was perfect. Just like you and I imagined. Only thing missing was you. We started trying right after the wedding. You would have laughed at my impatience, the fact that we always knew I didn't get that from you. My cycles were wonky, but three months later, BFP. I would have called you the second I found out. I know how thrilled you would have been. The struggles that came after with the spotting, I wanted you so bad to tell me that it was okay. Then when they scheduled the ultrasound on the anniversary of your death, I knew that there was no way that anything would be wrong with this pregnancy. The universe simply couldn't be that cruel. Or so I thought. You would have been heartbroken right there with me. Through the D&C's and the holiday's that were so hard for me last year.
We thought that after the IUD ectopic and the other quick pregnancy, surely it would happen again soon, and this time it would be fine. These past 9 months have not been what I expected and more than anything I've needed you. I sometimes feel the pain that this would have caused you though. I still remember the tears that you shed for my closest friend each time an IVF didn't work. I'll never forget how much it hurt you each time that you heard about her struggles. Maybe it's better that you don't know that I'm now going through the same thing. Would it hurt you too much? Does it make me selfish to wish you were here anyway? Cross your fingers, Mom. I need all the support I can get.
I went home this weekend. I remember why we both left. We don't fit it. We love them, and they love us, but we are most definitely different. Thank you for making me different. I so much like you that I can't decide if you'd laugh or cry. I only seem to get MORE like you every year. You'd love it. I do.
I hope somewhere you're drinking scotch over a desert sunset...most likely from a hammock.
Love you mom...always.
These past few years have flown by. That first year was the hardest. It was just so raw. I cried daily. I still think about you all the time, but I laugh and smile too. The tears aren't as frequent. At least until I get to days like this.
There's so much that I've wanted to tell you. The second year after I lost you Trevor finally proposed. You wanted that sooooo badly and I'm so glad that you loved him as much as I do. Know that he does take good care of me and I truly am a lucky girl to have him. He misses you too, ya know.
I was your only child. I know you always wanted more. Though now, I'm kinda glad I never had to share you. I got all of you. All your love, all the time. Did you know you had all of mine? It's a question I've asked myself often. You were so excited to one day become a grandmother. You were never a fan of kids. Not other peoples anyway, you liked me!! Thank goodness. And you had no doubt in your mind that you would love mine as well. You would have been your silly, crazy self and they would have loved you.
What I wish I could tell you know is the struggles that happened the third year after you left. The ectopic that came as such a surprise. It's what really made Trevor want to have children. He was so scared before I think, then it was a reality...and then it wasn't and he was game after that. The weeding was perfect. Just like you and I imagined. Only thing missing was you. We started trying right after the wedding. You would have laughed at my impatience, the fact that we always knew I didn't get that from you. My cycles were wonky, but three months later, BFP. I would have called you the second I found out. I know how thrilled you would have been. The struggles that came after with the spotting, I wanted you so bad to tell me that it was okay. Then when they scheduled the ultrasound on the anniversary of your death, I knew that there was no way that anything would be wrong with this pregnancy. The universe simply couldn't be that cruel. Or so I thought. You would have been heartbroken right there with me. Through the D&C's and the holiday's that were so hard for me last year.
We thought that after the IUD ectopic and the other quick pregnancy, surely it would happen again soon, and this time it would be fine. These past 9 months have not been what I expected and more than anything I've needed you. I sometimes feel the pain that this would have caused you though. I still remember the tears that you shed for my closest friend each time an IVF didn't work. I'll never forget how much it hurt you each time that you heard about her struggles. Maybe it's better that you don't know that I'm now going through the same thing. Would it hurt you too much? Does it make me selfish to wish you were here anyway? Cross your fingers, Mom. I need all the support I can get.
I went home this weekend. I remember why we both left. We don't fit it. We love them, and they love us, but we are most definitely different. Thank you for making me different. I so much like you that I can't decide if you'd laugh or cry. I only seem to get MORE like you every year. You'd love it. I do.
I hope somewhere you're drinking scotch over a desert sunset...most likely from a hammock.
Love you mom...always.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Still waiting...
I'm on cycle day 36 today. I'm 2 days past my last Provera and no AF in sight. This is the longest cycle I've had in a year and of course it's the one cycle that I want AF to show up more than anything. I just want to get started. If it's not one obstacle it's another.
I've been really down the past few days. Less about ttc, though that is always a part of it, more so, because I miss my mother. Going home to see my family (dad's side) only made that more obvious. While I love my dad and sisters, I feel out of place and isolated. I've never really fit in there. I think after these past few months what I've really wanted is to go to my mom, crawl in her lap and cry. I've got no one in my family that knows and understands or that I can even talk to about what's happening in my life right now and that makes me very, very sad.
Whether this is all so emotional right now because of my fertility issues or because tomorrow would have been my mom's 56th birthday, I don't know. Maybe both...most likely the latter. I think all of this has really shown me what an important part of my life she was and still is. I hope she knew that before she died.
I also have done an Ovarian Cancer walk/run every year since she died. This is the first year, that I just don't know if I can do it. It's in a few weeks and I haven't even tried to fundraise for it or put a team together. I think I just need to sit this year out.
I'll check back in when AF arrives. HOPEFULLY that's later this week and hopefully I'll be feeling a little more positive.
I've been really down the past few days. Less about ttc, though that is always a part of it, more so, because I miss my mother. Going home to see my family (dad's side) only made that more obvious. While I love my dad and sisters, I feel out of place and isolated. I've never really fit in there. I think after these past few months what I've really wanted is to go to my mom, crawl in her lap and cry. I've got no one in my family that knows and understands or that I can even talk to about what's happening in my life right now and that makes me very, very sad.
Whether this is all so emotional right now because of my fertility issues or because tomorrow would have been my mom's 56th birthday, I don't know. Maybe both...most likely the latter. I think all of this has really shown me what an important part of my life she was and still is. I hope she knew that before she died.
I also have done an Ovarian Cancer walk/run every year since she died. This is the first year, that I just don't know if I can do it. It's in a few weeks and I haven't even tried to fundraise for it or put a team together. I think I just need to sit this year out.
I'll check back in when AF arrives. HOPEFULLY that's later this week and hopefully I'll be feeling a little more positive.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Thumb Twiddling
It's been a while since I've updated. Basically because there is nothing going on, nothing to report. I'm on CD 30 of my crap bust cycle. Dr. J said to call him on CD 35 to start Provera if AF hasn't shown by then. I think I'm still in a state of shock after ovulating every month this year, with Clomid and without, that this cycle has been so whacked out. I just want AF to show so I can move on to my IUI cycle!
So...since that's really all I've got as far as TTC, I guess I'll talk about my Labor Day holiday. I went to NYC with my closest friend. It was a whirlwind! We packed so much into 3 days that my body is exhausted and sore. Here's the breakdown of what we did:
Saturday:
Eataly (Mario Batali's restaurant) for lunch. This is a must go. Most amazing homemade pasta and gelato.
Times Square - Funny story, we went into the McDonald's there for a pop and I decided to get a small fry for a snack. He said, "No fries, NEXT!" What"!? How is it possible for a McDonalds, in Times Square, no less, to not have fries. Insane.
Broadway - We got day of (50% off) Broadway tickets to the show Once. It was amazing. One of my favorite things we did all weekend.
The Rock at Rockefeller - We went up to the observation deck, amazing views! Check out the new WTC building in the back ground!
We had dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant called Pure Food and Wine. It was great, but it did confirm that I do in fact LOVE cheese and meat and could never live with out it.
Sunday:
Cookshop in Chelsea for brunch - Seriously, they had a Bloody Mary menu. After a night of no meat, I obviously choose the Bacon Infused Vodka Bloody Mary! We ate beignets and grapefruit brulee. Wow.
We walked the High Line in Chelsea.
We took a architectural tour on a 1920's boat around Manhatten. Got some great pics and saw a lot of structures and parts of the skyline that we wouldn't have seen otherwise.
Shopped in SoHo!
Dinner at The Spotted Pig. If you are ever in NYC, I highly recommend. They had hands down the best deviled eggs I've ever put in my mouth!
Drinks at a mixology bar, Little Branch.
Monday:
We went to the 9/11 Memorial site. It's beautifully done. Such a tragic event in our history and it was a little surreal be there and trying to imagine that day and time.
St. Paul's Chapel on Wall Street a few blocks from the WTC site.
West Village Shopping!
Walked Central Park, barely...it's huge!
Madison Avenue Shopping complete with macaroons from Laduree.
Ended our trip with a Grays Papaya's Hot Dog!! Yum!!
I'm back to work today and I'm exhausted. I have to somehow regroup to head to North Carolina and see my family on Thursday. Hopefully by next week, we'll be starting the Femara and getting our cycle going...not to mention we'll be done traveling for a while!
So sorry for the long, potentially annoying post about my travels, but as of right now, it's all I've got. Hopefully the next few weeks brings lots more TTC chatter!!
So...since that's really all I've got as far as TTC, I guess I'll talk about my Labor Day holiday. I went to NYC with my closest friend. It was a whirlwind! We packed so much into 3 days that my body is exhausted and sore. Here's the breakdown of what we did:
Saturday:
Eataly (Mario Batali's restaurant) for lunch. This is a must go. Most amazing homemade pasta and gelato.
Times Square - Funny story, we went into the McDonald's there for a pop and I decided to get a small fry for a snack. He said, "No fries, NEXT!" What"!? How is it possible for a McDonalds, in Times Square, no less, to not have fries. Insane.
Broadway - We got day of (50% off) Broadway tickets to the show Once. It was amazing. One of my favorite things we did all weekend.
The Rock at Rockefeller - We went up to the observation deck, amazing views! Check out the new WTC building in the back ground!
We had dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant called Pure Food and Wine. It was great, but it did confirm that I do in fact LOVE cheese and meat and could never live with out it.
Sunday:
Cookshop in Chelsea for brunch - Seriously, they had a Bloody Mary menu. After a night of no meat, I obviously choose the Bacon Infused Vodka Bloody Mary! We ate beignets and grapefruit brulee. Wow.
We walked the High Line in Chelsea.
We took a architectural tour on a 1920's boat around Manhatten. Got some great pics and saw a lot of structures and parts of the skyline that we wouldn't have seen otherwise.
Shopped in SoHo!
Dinner at The Spotted Pig. If you are ever in NYC, I highly recommend. They had hands down the best deviled eggs I've ever put in my mouth!
Drinks at a mixology bar, Little Branch.
Monday:
We went to the 9/11 Memorial site. It's beautifully done. Such a tragic event in our history and it was a little surreal be there and trying to imagine that day and time.
St. Paul's Chapel on Wall Street a few blocks from the WTC site.
West Village Shopping!
Walked Central Park, barely...it's huge!
Madison Avenue Shopping complete with macaroons from Laduree.
Ended our trip with a Grays Papaya's Hot Dog!! Yum!!
I'm back to work today and I'm exhausted. I have to somehow regroup to head to North Carolina and see my family on Thursday. Hopefully by next week, we'll be starting the Femara and getting our cycle going...not to mention we'll be done traveling for a while!
So sorry for the long, potentially annoying post about my travels, but as of right now, it's all I've got. Hopefully the next few weeks brings lots more TTC chatter!!
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